This is what depression feels like
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When I was diagnosed with postpartum depression back in 2009 I promised myself that no matter what I would try to give a “voice” to this often times shameful and silent disease. Before I go on though, I need to preface this by saying that I am on medication and while I know that you, the reader, may feel differently about anti-depressants I ask that you keep all anti-medication opinions to yourself. This post is not about medication, pros or cons; this post is about what depression is from the viewpoint of someone who is depressed. Yes, perhaps one day I will be off of medication but that’s up to me and the medical professional I see regarding this. I never want to go back to the scary place I was in before I was diagnosed; it was dangerous to myself and those I cared for the most. That being said…
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This is what depression feels like
I’m a pretty open person. I don’t take myself too seriously and because of that I’m willing to put myself out there to anyone who will listen. I have to be honest;, this is not an easy post to write. It’s not easy to admit your shortcomings. Depression is something that we as a society like to keep private and behind closed doors. That hush hush attitude is what gives depression its stigma of shame. I am ashamed that I struggle with this. I am embarrassed of my thoughts and my behavior when I’m going through a depressive state. Unfortunately, those whom are closest to me suffer right along with me. I’m currently in a healthy place and because of that I can write about what depression feels like. It helps me to verbalize how crazy things were in my mind.
I anticipated that the added stress of having more children during a busy season at work for my husband would cause my depression to spike. I typically try to see my doctor at the beginning of this season so I can discuss everything. I thought I had a plan, well, looking back my plan was to just bear down and get through this period of time. Not a good idea. Sure, I functioned in the day to day routines, but as the end became more in sight, the more my husband, Ben, worked.
The more he worked, the farther away I slipped from reality.
The mind can be a dangerous place for someone whose neurotransmitters aren’t working properly. When a normal functioning brain encounters a feeling of sadness or anxiety that chemical reaction moves on over to the reasoning side of the brain. From there that chemical reaction is dispersed and should be regulated and that’s where a depressed brain is different from a normal working brain. A normal working brain does regulate those emotions whereas a depressed brain doesn’t. Enough of this science talk…although it is really fascinating. If you want more information please visit this site.
Not feeling all the feels.
Out of touch and blank. Hopeless and apathetic. That’s how I felt from the first week that my depression set on until six weeks later when a loved one mentioned something to me. The depression started out slowly.
- Losing my temper here and there.
- Getting frustrated with my husband and his choice of career.
- Then I felt guilty for feeling so badly about my life. Other women have it worse than I do so why was I so sad?
That feeling of helplessness and hopelessness continued to build and build and build until everything came to a head over something stupid.
The incident was childish really. My thinking was so far from reasonable I don’t even recognize the person I was. I was acting like a teenager saying and doing without ever thinking ahead. Sure, those closest to me tried to talk me down but I just kept getting sucked in deeper and deeper into my thoughts. It was like I was being held prisoner in my own mind but I didn’t even realize it.
I stopped enjoying the things I had enjoyed before like writing, spending time with my children, talking on the phone to my mom and sister and friends, coordinating various groups I was in charge of and even watching General Hospital. I hated my life and there was nothing stopping me from that thought.
I got up every morning and hoped that this dark feeling would disappear. It just didn’t. I didn’t know what to do because it all felt so real. I honestly thought that my life had gone from a wonderful one to a dark and lonely place overnight.
That’s the problem with depression: when you’re in the thick of it you cannot see it.
At least I can’t see it and people I know who also struggle with it say the same thing. I didn’t want to see it either. My mom mentioned to me that she thought something was up when I went down to visit her and my dad. I brushed her concern off thinking that everything was fine. At that point I had come to the conclusion that I was losing all of my friends and I was going to be left out forever. After all, I reasoned with myself, who would ever want to be my friend? I thought I was a terrible person. I believed that there was no admirable trait that I had that would cause anyone to stay with me for very long.
Those thoughts are where I spent most of my days for six weeks. Reflecting back on that I see how truly sad I was but in the middle of it I honestly didn’t see it. Can you imagine living that way? Experiencing the joys of life only a few minutes of every day? Watching but not noticing that you’re slowly slipping away from the life you know you love. I lived it and it’s by God’s saving grace that I made it to the other side again.
So what can you do? Good question. Well, since I know that my husband’s busy season comes every year I have decided that now, during the “off” season, I have to come up with better coping mechanisms. Part of that is writing this post. That way I can look back and read this again when I start to lose myself. I’m also assembling a “tool box.” A wise woman from my church whom I met with for coffee suggested that – a depression tool box. In it I’m going to put things in there that will help snap me out of whatever dark place I’m feeling that day. When I’ve gone through every tool in my box and I’m still feeling sad I will call her so at least I have someone who understands me.
I’m also going to look into buying a SAD light. Vitamin D is an awesome vitamin for warding off depression. It’s unfortunate that his busy season is during the winter months here in Minnesota. The sun’s rarely out and if it is often times it’s cold and windy. I don’t handle heat or cold well.
If you aren’t sure whether or not you are struggling with depression please seek out help. Any feelings of sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, anger, or loneliness that persist for more than a few days or even a week could be a sign of depression. Please don’t hide it from those who love you. Seek help.
What can you do if someone you love struggles with depression? Watch for the early warning signs – lack of interest in activities they usually enjoy, irritability, pulling away and even that vacant stare. Be gentle in your approach and be lovingly persistent. Remember that a depressed person is living in a very dark and lonely world. It’s very real to them and give them a little grace. They can’t snap out of it. I know that when I’ve been told to just snap out of it that makes me want to retreat back inside of myself. That thought is completely out of character for me. I’m a people person. When I start losing interest in spending time with others that should be a warning sign to those around me that something’s up.
Most importantly a little understanding of what depression is will really help you to better love someone who is depressed. It’s not her choice to feel this way or act the way she does. Like I said before, I am honestly ashamed of my behavior when I was depressed this last time. I don’t even know who that girl was! I would never choose to live in that dark place; no one would ever choose to live life that way..
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13 Comments
Unknown · May 5, 2012 at 11:57 am
Thank you so much for taking time out to write this. I suffered from post pardum depression after my first son was born almost four years ago. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy, why I wasn’t in love with my newborn, etc. I didn’t have feelings of harming myself or my son, but I became so sad, so withdrawn, thought I had ruined the perfect life my husband and I had.
I know that the lack of help (my husband working 14 hours days), being by myself with a screaming baby who wouldn’t nap – EVER, who woke every 1.5 hours (only I would wake with him) and who had acid reflux nearly pushed me over the edge.
I didn’t seek out medical help until he was almost a year later as I thought I could handle it, be stronger, push through – other moms can do this why can’t I?
Fast forward and I am expecting my second in July and instead of excited I’m becoming increasingly anxious about becoming depressed again. I don’t want to take medication preventatively prior to the birth of my baby bc I really would like to bf and there is no guarantee of the depression returning. I just don’t want to medicate preemptively. Anyway, instead of a joyous occasion this is becoming torture the closer I get to the big day.
Thank you again for writing and sharing your experience. Post pardum depression is a lonely disease. I wish you all the best.
FirstTimeMom MN · May 5, 2012 at 1:42 pm
I completely understand where you’re coming from. I experienced the same feelings with my second pregnancy. Please email me so you have at least one person who understands how you’re feeling. I’d love to further this discussion with you! ftmalways [at] gmail [dot] com
Calvin · May 5, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Sending you a hug and a reminder of how the Lord is using you in this world in so many ways. Know how much people care about you! You are such a special girl!
Patrice
FirstTimeMom MN · May 5, 2012 at 11:45 pm
Thanks Pat-rice! I always think of Janie when I see your name. :o)
The Nystroms · May 5, 2012 at 11:31 pm
If you’re looking for a SAD light recommendation, below is the one I use and highly recommend. It’s compact and very economical compared to others on the market. I use it pretty much every morning in the winter, and on cloudy days the rest of the year.
http://www.target.com/p/Zadro-Sunlight-365-Personal-Artificial-Sunlight-Therapy/-/A-10904525
If you want recommendations for vitamin D drops, fish oil, or st. johns wart, I can offer those too. I know it can be hard weeding through all the product options on amazon! 🙂
FirstTimeMom MN · May 5, 2012 at 11:45 pm
I was going to ask you where you bought yours, Alana! Yeah we’ll have to get together for coffee and discuss further.
Julie · May 7, 2012 at 3:28 am
All my life I have struggled with depression, and sine mental illness runs in my family, I must say that I was worried about this after my son was born. I did see hints of depression that would sneak in here and there, but thank God it did not become full blown!!
Brianna Sherman · October 15, 2013 at 1:22 am
I could have used this a few years ago when a friend of mine was really struggling. It was hard for me to understand and I was wrapped up in my own life. It cost me a friendship. Thank you for posting.
Erin K. · December 21, 2013 at 11:22 am
Thank you for this. PPD and general depression is so prevalent yet no one really talks about it. My dad died very suddenly in 2012 and 2 1/2 months later I had my second child. I was very depressed. I was grieving and trying to deal with all the hormonal changes that occur after pregnancy. It was very hard but I had a lot of support. I know many women who suffer from severe depression and don’t have the support they need. This is a wonderful post. Thank you.
FirstTimeMom MN · December 21, 2013 at 9:42 pm
Erin, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. It is such a hush hush disease and that’s what makes it crippling.
Emily Stewart · December 27, 2013 at 4:03 pm
Thank you for your transparency – I have not suffered with depression but have good friends who do, and this offers great insight!
Bethany · August 13, 2014 at 1:30 pm
Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story. I have struggled with depression since childhood and have to admit that grief and fear over an upcoming move away from family is pulling me back into it now, along with being off of meds for the last year in an attempt to TTC. It’s so encouraging to hear your story of hope, and to know there are Christians in my new community who will have compassion instead of judgment. I’m always looking for new tools for my toolbox. Thanks for the ideas, and God bless you in your struggles.
FirstTimeMom MN · August 15, 2014 at 10:30 pm
Aw Bethany!! If you ever need anything let me know, okay?
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