Help me remember that I am still the woman you fell in love with.

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You may not realize this, but I finish most days feeling like an emotional punching bag for our tween, a complete life-ruiner to our five-year-old because I made him clean up his Lego mess and a literal punching bag to our dear toddler who is going through that “I hit when I’m frustrated” phase of toddlerhood. Sure, I can take it, I’m a mom and it goes with the territory…at least that’s what I tell myself after I’ve had the bedroom door slammed in my face because I said no screens until homework is finished. I’m pretty sure I was miserable to my mother when I was a 13-year-old so I guess it’s only payback, right?

Can I tell you what I need from you, though? I mean you’re my safe place, the person who supports, loves, and gets me; that’s why we decided to create these little human beings, after all, we love each other. It’s really simple, really, it won’t take any time from you and it will honestly be the highlight of my day:

Help me remember that I am still the woman you fell in love with.

You see I need your help, I desperately need your help. I’ve been at this “mom” thing for so long that I have kind of forgotten who I am without it. I can’t remember what life was like before I held our first child in my arms, I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t personally responsible for another human being’s wellbeing. I need for you to help me remember that I am indeed the woman you fell in love with all those years ago. How can you do this? You can help me remember that I am still that woman you fell in love with by doing these things when you come home from work:

Say “hi” to me from across the room and the children are all jumping and running to greet you at the door.
Look me in the eyes and ask me how my day was; I promise you’ll be able to tell what happened as soon as you ask.

daughter looking up at her mother — photography by LoVB

When you see toys all over the floor, the dishes piled up in the sink or the naked child wildly running around, just understand that I am actually doing my job, but dinner needs to get onto the table and that means chaos is created because they know that they do not have my undivided attention.
Please take the kids to another room even if it’s for five minutes; I just want to be able to hear myself think.
Tell me that I’m doing a good job; no one else says it and if they do it’s usually because there’s a special occasion that calls for it. There is no progress report for motherhood and I’m just winging it, day in and day out.
Listen to the sometimes “silly” drama that happens in my day, whether it’s our daughter throwing a tantrum in the cereal aisle at Target or something that was said to me by another mom, just listen. I don’t need you to fix it and I don’t want to hear that you think it’s silly and not worth the emotional energy. You can tell me later how you really feel, once things have calmed down and I’ve had my moment to be real with you, but initially, please just let me tell you.
Understand that this time of parenthood, when the kids are so young and dependent on me, is sometimes isolating, especially if we have a baby. I’m tied down to a nap schedule, feeding schedule and everything else in between. There are some weeks when I literally do not leave the house for days.
I need you to hug me and show me some affection, not because you want something in return but because you want me to feel loved. I’m giving myself, physically (especially if I’m breastfeeding) and emotionally to our children hourly, every single day, when is it my turn though?

Sometimes I just want you to pat me on the head and tell me I’m pretty. Yes, pretty, even though I’m wearing the same yoga pants and Hawkeye t-shirt that I wore yesterday and the day before and the day before that, just tell me I’m pretty!
I do intend on getting to the mountains or laundry, piles of dishes and grocery shopping. Please know that there’s nothing I would like more than to have the house spotless for you, however, I am tired and I just spent the last five hours trying to convince our preschooler that I am really serious when I say she cannot have a real birthday party for her stuffed animal elephant. Yes, real, as in bake a cake, wrap presents, you name it, she wanted to do it.

We’re both tired and I know that you’ve been stuck at work for the last eight hours but believe me, there are some days when I would give anything to be stuck in an office and not holding down the fort at home with our young children. I also would give anything to not have to go back to Corporate America so the fact that you work so hard for our family means the world to me; I don’t say it enough but thank you for how you provide for us.

mom drinking coffee looking out the window. — photography by LoVB

I know I need to be more for you and I want to be that woman you fell in love with, she’s still there inside me, but some days I’ve been kicked down so many times it’s hard to get back up and remember that I am more than a butt wiper, housekeeper, cook, and teacher. I need your help remembering that I still am that woman you were so madly in love with, you decided to promise your entire life to me. Can you do that?

Bert A.

As the creator of the lifestyle blog and book, Me Before Mom, Bert supports millennial moms facing the challenges and changes of motherhood. Me Before Mom is an online community that offers support through real life stories, encouraging advice, and answers to questions about how a woman maintains herself during this self-sacrificial time of parenthood. Stories from Bert Anderson have helped women across the globe through the Huffington Post, Today’s Parent, and on the Harry show. Whether weathering the first year of motherhood or walking through the later stages of motherhood, Bert has helped many continue to find herself while still in the throes of motherhood. Purchase your copy of Me Before Mom: Putting Your Oxygen Mask on First today!

July 9, 2019July 7, 2019

My baby had a flat head but we avoided using a helmet. Here’s how we did it.

My baby had a flat head but we avoided using a baby helmet for flat head syndrome. Here’s how we did it.

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Babies wearing helmets? What are they for and why on earth are kids wearing them these days? They come in bright colors, designs, and they even make decals for them to dress them up. Helmet Molding Therapy is the technical name for it and is used to help correct babies who have deformational plagiocephaly (flat head syndrome). We were able to avoid the need to use one with our daughter and while some of these methods won’t work with every baby here’s what we did to avoid a helmet.

How did I know my baby had Deformational Plagiocephaly (aka Flat Head Syndrome)?

About two months after my middle daughter was born we noticed that she was always looking to the left. Laying down she’d turn her head to the left. When I held her in my arm it was always my left arm because I’m right-handed and as a busy mom with a newborn and a two-year-old running around I needed to have my dominant hand readily available. At her 8-week well child visit, I asked my pediatrician if what I was seeing was normal and I shouldn’t be concerned or if there was something more to my little girl’s left-side favoritism. What I learned during that visit was that my daughter had torticollis and as a result, it was causing her to have flat head syndrome. A definition of torticollis that I found to be helpful is from Day 2 Day Parenting,

Torticollis means ‘twisted neck’ and is caused by damage to or a shortening of the Sterno-cleido-mastoid muscle (SCM muscle) in a baby’s neck. Congenital Muscular Torticollis (CMT) can be caused by in-utero positioning, lack of space in the uterus, a traumatic birth, a multiple birth or low amniotic fluid. Some babies have an actual tumor in the SCM muscle, while other babies just have tightness or thickness in the SCM muscle. Some babies may have no tumor or tightness, but have asymmetric neck posture due to eye problems, congenital absence of cervical muscles, low muscle tone or general delayed development.

Torticollis and Flat Head Syndrome — Babies who have torticollis will typically only look to either their right or left.

How does the doctor diagnose Flat Head Syndrome?

During the appointment, my pediatrician put my daughter on her tummy and looked at the symmetry of her little head. If the symmetry was bad she would refer us to physical therapy. The left side of my daughter’s head was becoming so flat that her left ear was being pushed to the front and the left side of her forehead was beginning to bulge. We were referred to physical therapy

What happens if my baby is referred to physical therapy for Flat Head Syndrome?

Our physical therapy appointment went well. The physical therapist confirmed that my daughter had torticollis; the left side neck muscle was weak and the right side neck muscle was tight. I also learned that because my daughter was always looking to the left in her little world the left was what was normal and mid-line, or center. Hearing that really put things into perspective for me.

The goals our physical therapist had for my daughter were simple:

to stretch out and loosen up her neck
to teach her that the midline from her nose to her belly button is how the world should look.

What kind of therapy will my baby have to prevent wearing a baby helmet for Flat Head Syndrome?

We, and by “we” I mean “I”, had homework to do. My homework consisted of stretching my daughter’s neck to do three to four times a day. Our physical therapist also gave us a few exercises to do that would help her become re-orientated in the right mid-line direction. Those exercises were taking toys such as the Oball (pictured below). I would shake the Oball in front of her so that she would have to turn her head to find where the noise was coming from. Then she’d grab for the ball front and center. We also used the Fisher-Price Go Baby Go! 1-2-3 Crawl Along Snail and I would get her attention by turning the snail on so it would sing and then she’d have to turn her head to look for the snail which was always on the right.

Products our physical therapist suggested we use to help prevent the need for a baby helmet to correct Flat Head Syndrome:

We used a Baby Moon pillow for her to rest on during nap times and bedtime. The pillow works because it helps alleviate pressure on the back of the head or for her the left side of the head because the small hole in the center of the pillow makes it challenging for her to move.
When she was awake she was always on her stomach so she wasn’t applying pressure to the already flat side of her head. Once she became strong enough to use an activity jumper you would find her hanging out in her activity jumper.
The physical therapist also turned us on to using Summer Infant’s Cradler Head Positioning Pillow in her car seat. Again, the goal was to get her to realize that the world happened front and center from her belly button so the head positioning pillow helped with that in her car seat.
Integrating chiropractic care to help loosen her neck muscles up. We saw a chiropractor who worked on her neck and did some cranial massage as well.

Baby looks to the left or right all of the time, what is wrong? Read more to find out what it could be.

How long does a parent have to correct flat head syndrome before it’s determined that a baby helmet is needed?

My doctor told us that we had until our daughter was 5 months old to correct the problem. Since I knew that the source of her flat head syndrome was her torticollis I focused all of my attention on working with her daily. If the physical therapist said to stretch her neck three times a day, you better believe that I did it. If the physical therapist wanted us to do as much tummy time as possible and purchase little pillows that would help position her head, I said where can I find them? If I had to resist the urge to hold my daughter with my left arm, by golly, I got smart and went against what felt natural to me and held her in my right arm.

Can I really prevent my child from needing to wear a baby helmet to correct Flat Head Syndrome?

We avoided the helmet. It wasn’t easy and it took a lot of work. It didn’t happen overnight; my daughter was in physical therapy for four months. I remember at the time when she was diagnosed I was lamenting on my Facebook over the fact that she may have to wear a helmet. Naturally, all of my friends chimed in with their opinions, “Only use a chiropractor” and “You’ll just have to get the baby helmet, you can’t do anything to stop it”. I’m happy to say that I was met with a lot of different options for my child and combining all of them together worked for us. You see, it doesn’t have to be the same treatment or nothing at all, you can mix and match. I mixed chiropractic care and essential oils with physical therapy. I think that any treatment that will help avoid your baby having to wear a helmet should be met with optimism and perseverance.

Bert A.

July 8, 2019July 7, 2019

What is Flat Head Syndrome?

What exactly is flat head syndrome? Flat head syndrome or positional plagiocephaly happens when a flat spot begins to develop on the back or the side of a baby’s head. A common cause of flat head syndrome is lying an infant in the same position every time they go to sleep.

What is Flat Head Syndrome?

Flat head syndrome is when an infant develops a flat spot on the back or side of his or her head. An infant’s bones are not fully fused together making them very pliable or easy to mold. The good news is that if your infant does develop flat head syndrome treatment is easy to come by and correct.

What causes Flat Head Syndrome?

Some cases of positional plagiocephaly begin in the womb. “Many babies can develop a flat head as a direct result of their positioning in the womb before they are even born, known as positional moulding. Babies can also develop the tendency to develop a flat head during birth, with passage through the birth canal causing temporary bruising in the neck or shoulder muscles,” Technology in Motion.

In 1992 the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) issued a statement that recommended babies sleep on their backs or sides to reduce the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). In 1996 the AAP issued another statement that a baby’s back was the only safe place to sleep. Babies sleep a lot which begins the flat spot and then using other devices where they lay down on their backs only furthers the flat head problem. Premature babies are more likely to have flat head syndrome because their skulls are even more pliable than a full term baby.

Baby laying on back can cause flat head syndrome — Photo by Kevin Keith on Unsplash

Can a flat head fix itself?

It depends on the severity of the plagiocephaly. In milder cases, you can help correct flat head syndrome with simple changes like switching the arm that you hold your baby and trying to keep him or her upright, avoiding putting pressure on the flat spot of their head.

Our story with Positional Plagiocephaly

I noticed in the beginning of August 2011 that my daughter, Kendall’s, head was looking a little weird. It was flat on the left side. That was alarming but then I also started to notice that she was always looking off to the left. The same week that I noticed these things I happened to be going on a little weekend mini retreat with some of the leadership team from my MOPS group. I mentioned it to a few of them – we’re all moms and two of them have four kids so I figured that they’d know something. They agreed with me about her looking to the left all the time. I happened to have her two month appointment scheduled that Monday so I decided to not panic and just wait to talk with her pediatrician.

The appointment came and Kendall’s pediatrician noticed her looking to the left immediately (after I mentioned it to her first). She explained to me that we’d put her on her tummy and look at the symmetry of her little head. If the symmetry was bad she would refer us to physical therapy. So we put her on her tummy and sure enough the left side of her head was becoming so flat that her left ear was being pushed to the front and she was getting a bulge on the left side of her forehead.

Our physical therapy appointment went well. The physical therapist diagnosed Kendall with torticollis meaning her left side neck muscle was weak and her right side neck muscle was tight. She also explained to me that because Kendall was always looking to the left in her little world the left was what was normal and center. That really put things into perspective for me. Our goals for Kendall were to stretch out and loosen up her neck as well as teach her that the center from her nose to her belly button is how the world should look. She gave us homework of stretches to do three to four times a day as well as some exercises to get her re-orientated in the right mid-line direction.

Because of her torticollis she was developing plagiocephaly (flat head syndrome). We began working on getting her head back to a nice round shape by doing lots of tummy time (thankfully she’s not extremely fussy when it comes to tummy time) and putting her on her right side (when we’re with her). We’ve also just purchased a special pillow called a Baby Moon Pillow to help with allowing us to have her on her back but not put pressure on the left side.

We had until she was five months old to correct both her torticollis and the flat head syndrome. If it didn’t work she would have needed a helmet which is not the end of the world by any means. I was amazed when I look through her newborn photos how early this started and it didn’t really dawn on me until we went to the doctor that it wasn’t normal. They say that torticollis starts in the womb and can be perpetuated if kids spend time in the special care nursery or NICU. Kendall was one of those kids as she spent five days in the special care nursery.

Today, Kendall has a completely normal shaped head. The work we did with the physical therapist while it was inconvenient, it definitely paid off.

Know that if your baby does have flat head syndrome it’s usually not life-threatening. It also doesn’t reflect on you as a parent. There’s absolutely nothing you could do to prevent or cause it to happen.

Bert A.

February 7, 2019February 10, 2019

Screen-Free Activities to Keep Busy on a Road Trip

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with screens when you’re traveling with kids. Traveling is less painful now than it was when I was a kid (and suddenly I sound like a 70-year-old) with all the portable devices we can easily access for entertainment. Even with screens, a long trip can be really boring so you’ve got to think outside of the box when it comes to little kids and not every child loves to color or can even read. What’s a parent to do so they don’t absolutely have a miserable experience traveling with a young child? This article is for you, Mom, just as much as it is for the kids. When they’re occupied and happy, you can relax a little and focus on the drive.

Screen-Free Activities to Keep Everyone Busy on a Road Trip

This one time I appeared on The Jason Show and shared five activities you can do in the car that will keep your kids busy enough so that you can save the screen time for the end of the trip. My parents live in Galena, IL, and as a result, we make about two or three trips to visit them each year. It’s a 293-mile drive and if you Google Map it, according to Google, is 5 hours and 14 minutes one way. Now, when we make this trip we have our three children and beagle with us and I would say that the average trip one way for us, with stops for potty breaks, changing diapers, getting out to stretch our legs and at least one lunch or dinner stop, takes six to seven hours. It can be a really long drive and it’s all dependent on how the kids are doing. I have absolutely no problem with tablets, DVDs, and screens while traveling; I just know that when things get desperate you need to have some more tools in your wheelhouse for the very end of the trip.

Screen-Free Activities for the Young Child

Pipe Cleaners – My friend, Kari, from church, gave me this little nugget of wisdom: Pipe Cleaners. I am amazed by how entertaining these are for my kids. I’m serious they will play with them for a solid hour; creating glasses, flowers, hearts, you name it.

Purchase small activities and toys from the Dollar Store and gift wrap them. – It’s all about keeping the kids entertained, right? I like to go to the Dollar Store and grab one or two small toys or activities for the kids to play with in the car. Then I wrap them up and when the kids are getting ornery, voila! I whip out one of the gifts, they unwrap them and are easily entertained for an hour or so.
Tape, Scissors, & Stickers – I don’t know about you but my oldest child is constantly stealing tape when we’re home. I don’t know what on earth he’s doing with it but he’s obsessed with tape so why not give him what he wants. I pack gift wrap tape, duct tape, stickers, kids scissors and used magazines. Then the older kids can play and create using all the tape their little heart desires.
My Discovery House There are knobs and push, slide, open, close, turn! This toy is small enough that it’s perfect for little hands to hold. Plus, it’s not noisy.
Podcasts & Audiobooks – I absolutely love podcasts; I listen to them all of the time and it’s kind of my way of tuning the mundane day to day tasks out. I also love children’s podcasts for their excellent story-telling capability and because my kids actually listen. A few of my favorites for kids are (in no particular order): Sesame Street Podcast and Storynory,
Travel Bingo – I created these bingo cards for you to download and print for yourselves. I designed the game for elementary age kids but a younger child could probably figure out how to play and I know a tween or teen could definitely play. The rules are very simple: when you see something that matches a picture on the card put your place marker on the picture. If you have a laminator, you can laminate the card and use dry erase markers directly on the card. Then wipe clean. Click here to download.

Screen-Free Activities for Elementary Age Children

Tape, Scissors, & Stickers
Audiobooks from the library.
Pay for a service like Audible where you have access to lots of audiobooks. Right now there’s a deal where you can sign up for Audible free for 30-days and you’ll get two free audiobooks. If you plan it correctly with your road trip it’s guaranteed savings. To learn more about Audible or to try it out, click here.
Games – Would You Rather, Guessing Games, The Alphabet License Plate Game (you complete the alphabet using the first letter of a license plate), Trivia, Flip to Win Hangman from Melissa & Doug, the possibilities are endless.
Give them a map – Yes, a map. I am amazed by how little my fourth grader knows about reading a map and how it works. Plus, maps are cheap and you can get many of them for free at welcome centers.
LEGOS – Get a new small bag of LEGOS, bring a jelly roll pan and let the kids put the set together.
Road Trip Karoke – My husband and I do this frequently when we take the six hour drive to my parents and it’s always a riot! Make a playlist of your favorite songs and then you just sing away!
Books – If your child doesn’t get road sick easily, learning how to read in a moving vehicle is a great thing. It’s entertaining and can lead to a nap!
Rubik’s Cube and other Rubik’s puzzles.

Watch the segment below from The Jason Show and let me know what you do on long road trips with your kiddos!

Pin it for later!

Bert A.

January 16, 2019January 15, 2019

Top Ten Pregnancy Books for First Time Moms

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You know the classic pregnancy book, What to Expect When You’re Expecting and while it’s full of information I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to read that book when it comes to your first pregnancy. I founds when I was pregnant with my first that What to Expect kind of scared me; it almost had too much information and when you’re a newly pregnant mama, too much information can be a bad thing. I’ve compiled a list of the top ten pregnancy book for first time moms that I think is worth your time.

Top Ten Pregnancy Books for First Time Moms

Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy: From Doctors Who Are Parents, Too!

To the point but friendly this pregnancy book has a way of being authoritative in a non-condescending way. Publisher’s Weekly said, “…the book contains at least one feature that most pregnant women will find indispensable: charts that indicate how to handle ‘troublesome signs and symptoms’ during each three week period. For example, if a woman has slight spotting during the first four weeks of pregnancy, the chart tells her to notify a doctor during her next hospital visit. But if she has any bleeding at all during weeks 29 to 32, the chart indicates that she should tell her doctor immediately.”

The Healthy Pregnancy Book: Month by Month, Everything You Need to Know from America’s Baby Experts (Sears Parenting Library)

I like Dr. Sears and for the most part adhere to a lot of his practices so for me, this book is a given. As a mother who gained a whopping 70 lbs during her first pregnancy I so wish I would’ve read this kind of a book when I was pregnant for the first time. Not only does Sears and the contributing authors look at nutrition but they look at all sides of pregnancy in a very easy to read book.

The Birth Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Safe and Satisfying Birth (Sears Parenting Library)

Written by the same authors, Dr. William Sears MD, and Martha Sears, RN, of The Healthy Pregnancy Book I appreciate this book because it gives every single option you have as a first time mom when it comes to labor and delivery. It also does it in a very non-judgmental way. If you are aiming for a pain medication free childbirth, Dr. Sears and his wife, Martha Sears, give you the ins and outs of your options, as well as talks with dads about what to expect and how to be helpful before, during and after L&D. Amazon.com said, “In this helpful resource guide, the Searses cover the gamut of possibilities, and teach readers what they need to know to take control of their own birthings. The Birth Book is divided into three parts: ‘Preparing for Birth,’ ‘Easing Pain in Labor,’ and ‘Experiencing Birth.'”

Common Sense Pregnancy: Navigating a Healthy Pregnancy and Birth for Mother and Baby

I did not try to go all natural with any of my labor and deliveries; it wasn’t something I aspired to do either. For some reason though, there are a lot of books out there on how to have a natural, medication free L&D experience and there’s little to no resources on every option that’s available for first time expecting mothers. I like what Jeanne Faulkner has to say and how she says it.

Pregnancy: The Ultimate Survival Guide to Pregnancy and Birth

This book was very interesting to me because it’s written by a psychologist, Dr. Jane Smart, and while it is by no means a medical book I think there’s something to be said about having a different perspective to all of the emotions that go along with pregnancy. I would recommend getting this book as a companion to Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy: From Doctors Who Are Parents, Too!

The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy

This book is a stitch! If you’re an avid reader and want another book to read that’s related to your pregnancy as a first time mom this is definitely it! Be forewarned that this is not written by a doctor or midwife so you should not think of the advice given in the book at medical, at all. There are over one million copies that have been purchased so I guess you could say that it’s a good book.

Belly Laughs, 10th anniversary edition: The Naked Truth about Pregnancy and Childbirth

Jenny McCarthy’s national best seller is a favorite among most moms-to-be. I haven’t read it but a few of my friends have and they swear by the honesty that McCarthy displays in the book. Booklist reviews, “What’s noble about this book (yes, noble) is that women who find these topics too embarrassing to bring up now have a place to read about them in a frank and open discussion. After all, they’re as real as morning sickness, and McCarthy treats them with a candor that borders on crude but that is refreshing, and, ultimately, necessary. Not to mention funny.”

Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth: Updated With New Material

If you want to have an all natural, pain medication free labor and delivery, Ina May Gaskin’s book is the way to go. Laura used this book, along with birthing classes to help her prepare for her first L&D. Ina May is an expert midwife with 30 years of experience.

What to Eat When You’re Pregnant: A Week-by-Week Guide to Support Your Health and Your Baby’s Development

I love when books have clear, concise purposes. Take this book, for example, it’s clear what the goal of the book is. I know what to expect from it and what I will gain by reading it. There’s also 50 recipes for mom to cook from so she can guarantee that she’s getting the best for her developing child. Dr. Mark Hyman says, “New research shows that when you’re eating for two, your diet can have profound affects on your baby. In this smart and easy-to-follow guide–which also features simple and delicious recipes–Dr. Nicole Avena tells moms-to-be how to give their babies a healthy start in life by eating foods that support baby’s development and keep mom feeling nourished and satisfied. A copy of this book should be on every pregnant woman’s bookshelf.”

The Expectant Father: The Ultimate Guide for Dads-to-Be

You can’t forget Dad! A friend of mine recommended this book to my husband when I was pregnant for the first time. My husband isn’t a reader, he’d rather listen to an audio book, but I skimmed through the pages and from what I read this is an easy read. It’s important for the dad-to-be to be just as knowledgeable to what’s happening to his partner’s body and the child developing inside.

So drop what you’re doing and do a little shopping, or check out your library to see if they have any of these titles. What’s your favorite pregnancy book?

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Bert A.