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Listen up first time mom: Once you’ve been pregnant and given birth, whether it’s a vaginal or c-section, all sense of privacy and embarrassment goes out the window. At least this is the case for me; I mean I’ve had complete strangers see my hoo ha and everything else during labor and delivery so what do I have to be prideful about? What I’m going to share with you is supposed to be funny. You can laugh about it, goodness knows I have been since it happened that fateful morning.
The female body is amazing. I don’t think anyone would argue that. From what I’ve read several pretty unbelievable things happen to a woman’s body during pregnancy. Blood volume increases to help support the growing life inside of her. She grows an organ, the placenta, whose sole function is to sustain the life of the baby by providing oxygen, nourishment and also filtering out waste. During my last pregnancy my sense of smell was in hyper-drive. I could smell anything rancid I swear from five miles away. (Okay probably not that far away but you get the picture.) My gag reflex was also sensitive; it was painfully sensitive. The littlest thing would set the gagging off too; wiping another kid’s green booger-filled nose in the church nursery, mini bell peppers (which I normally love), and having to change another child’s poopy diaper. (Side note: Isn’t it interesting that you can stand your own child’s booger nose and poopy diaper but if it’s another child, no, no and no?!)
I was driving my son and one of our neighbors to preschool. We were running a little behind so I was feeling rushed. We had just turned out of our neighborhood and onto the main street of our town when one of the kids (there were three of them including my daughter) let out an S.B.D. You know, silent but deadly fart? I have been very sensitive to smell with this pregnancy. I always have had an incredibly good sniffer so my present heightened sense of smell is akin to what my beagle must be able to smell. (Beagles apparently have a sense of smell that is estimated to be 1,000 – 10,000 times stronger than a human’s.)
The stench wafted its way to the front of the car and I gagged. Not wanting to slow down because I had to get the boys to school I discreetly rolled the window down a little bit. I wasn’t sure who the S.B.D. culprit was but I didn’t want to embarrass whoever it was. That’s the worst thing when you’re a five-year-old; to be outed as the Farter.
The air coming in from my cracked window clearly wasn’t enough, I gagged again…
Suddenly without any warning my breakfast crept up and into my mouth. It felt like a wet burp so I just kept my mouth closed and tried to swallow it back down. More breakfast made its way up and soon I had a mouthful of my own partially digested breakfast cereal sitting in my mouth. Mentally, I started to freak out, Oh my gosh! This is not happening. This cannot happen. What the hell am I supposed to do with this?!
We came to a stop sign and I took our usual left hand turn. Calculating how long I could hold all of this vomit in my mouth, I pulled over to the side of the road. My efforts were in vain and it was all too late; I was now wearing my breakfast.
All over my coat and the sweatpants I had thrown on in haste that morning; they were covered in my own vomit. Of course, this would be the time that I don’t have any paper towels or cloth towels in my car. Why on earth had I decided to clean my car the week before?! I did have a few tiny napkins from some fast food place. I started to clean myself up when the sight of my own throw up caused me to gag again. I tried to control it but biological urges overcame my mental ability to control my bodily functions so I threw the door opened, threw the soaked paper napkin to the ground and out came the rest of my breakfast.
My kids weren’t phased by the scene at all. It’s happened before; well, I haven’t thrown up all over myself before but I have had to pull the car over so that I could throw up. Our poor neighbor, my son’s friend, was so concerned about the whole thing and I think a little disgusted! My son explained, “Oh, it’s okay. It’s just the baby in Mom’s tummy; it makes her sick.” Then the neighbor kid and my son continued to discuss whether or not this meant I was going to have the baby in two days because the baby was making me sick. Yeah, you try explaining the length of pregnancy to two five year old boys who have barely begun to understand the concept of time. Not an easy task.