You Don’t Have to Choose Between Your Partner and Your Doula
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When I first became a Prenatal Yoga Instructor, I began hearing about and learning about what a Doula was. I learned that a Doula is a woman who guides a birthing mother through labor. How nice! I was intrigued as I had always been very interested in pregnancy and birth. Becoming a Doula seemed like the logical next step for me. It just felt right, so when I had the opportunity to train, I jumped at it. During my training and throughout my years working with pregnant women in various capacities, I continued to see and hear just how important a Doula can be. In fact, there are several studies that show labor goes more smoothly when there is a Doula present.
But then I would hear concerns like “well, I want my partner (husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend) to be my labor support” or “my partner and I just want it to be the two of us”. You may not know this, but…You don’t have to choose between having your Partner as your main support and having a Doula present. You can have both! In fact, choosing to have your Partner as your primary support person during labor is one of the best reasons TO hire a Doula. Let her make your Partner more successful and feel supported.
One of the most common concerns I hear from expecting moms when faced with the decision of having a Doula is this: she wants her Partner to be her primary support. Perfect! Your Doula wants that too! She wants to be there to help your Partner look good.
Your Doula wants labor to be an intimate and connecting time for the two of you – that’s why she’ll do her best to work as a complement to your Partner, rather than stealing the show. At many points throughout labor, it will be incredibly helpful to have your Partner next to you, massaging your shoulders, holding your hand, looking you in the eye, giving you kisses, being present with you AND to have your Doula massaging your low back, providing counter pressure on your sacrum, squeezing your hips, and rubbing your feet. It will be helpful to have your Doula run out to the car, refill your water, get more ice, grab more towels, track down more pillows…still leaving you with the familiar and loving support of your Partner.
A doula provides valuable insight, advice, and support throughout each step of labor. I often find that, at times, the Partner is more thankful for the presence of a Doula than the birthing mother! It is a LOT of pressure on the Partner to be the only one there to support Mom, especially if they are also feeling the intense feelings that accompany the anticipated arrival of a child! The pressure of becoming a parent, the pressure of remembering what you learned in childbirth ed class, the pressure of not knowing what to do when seeing the one you love the most in such pain and discomfort.
If your Partner is worried about trying to figure out what he/she can do to help you, they can’t really be present with you in this experience. They can’t fully enjoy these hours before the birth of your child. Ask yourself this: Is it fair to put so much pressure on your Partner in such an already heightened time? Does your Partner really feel comfortable with that?
But isn’t that what my nurse is for?
Well, your nurse hasn’t been getting to know you during the months prior to your labor. Your nurse has other patients she also needs to help and monitor, other responsibilities she needs to complete. Your nurse will leave when her shift ends.
When a mom comes to me expressing her concerns about having a Doula, I gently explain some of the benefits, especially in response to concerns about a Doula impeding potential support by the Partner. I don’t force the issue because I totally respect her decision for her birth. The purpose of having a Doula is to empower a couple and make them feel supported and safe. How can I contradict that by trying to force an opinion on them? No matter the decision, I wish them well and hope that they have the birth experience that they are hoping for. Unfortunately, it’s only after the fact that I hear how the couple “didn’t realize our nurse wouldn’t be completely dedicated to us,” “didn’t like the nurse who was on shift,” “had no idea that all of these things would happen,” “thought we’d be able to have a peaceful environment, but there were interruptions and monitoring every few minutes and it was anything but peaceful,” “medical staff just did things and I had no idea what was happening.” Or worse, after the fact hearing about interventions that sound like they could easily have been avoided. But who knows – I wasn’t there and there is no way to really tell. The one thing I do know, is that I’d rather have a mom hire a Doula and have that invaluable support from the start, rather than have her go through a tough, or even traumatic, birth experience and THEN realize that she wants a Doula the next time around.
This post isn’t even about trying to sell my services. To be honest, I only take on a few births a year. I wish I had the bandwidth for more because I am blessed with such a great network of people and have several moms coming to me to request my services. Unfortunately, I can’t support many of them BUT I always recommend that they hire a Doula and always gather some names to send them.
I also don’t want to sound totally biased, here. I’ve definitely heard from moms who have had just their Partner present and have had fine hospital births. Keep in mind that your choice of location for your birth (hospital – and which one, birthing center, home birth) makes a huge difference in the outcome as well. I talk about this a bit in my Birth Plan Design online program, which helps expecting moms create a birth plan with step-by-step guidance.
On that note, another important reason to hire a Doula is for the planning that takes place in preparation of your labor and the birth of your baby. A few years ago, I had a Prenatal Yoga student whose husband was scheduled for a week of business travel during her last few weeks of pregnancy. She had been coming to my class every week and, although she had planned to just have her husband at the birth of their baby, she asked if I would consider being on-call as her Doula in case she went into labor before his return. I agreed and we worked out the details. We had an abbreviated “prenatal visit” after one of our classes and did some other communication by email to figure out what her birth goals were: what things were important to her, what did she need to know or consider, what did I need to know so that we could be on the same page allowing me to support her better? It just so happened that she went into labor the day he returned, so I was not present at her birth, but she did come back to a few Prenatal Yoga classes postpartum (something I always welcome my Mamas to do). She told me how thankful she was that we had done the planning that we did (creating a Birth Plan, practicing helpful positions, etc.) Without our preparation she wouldn’t have known what to expect, what was important to her when presented with decisions during labor.
I certainly respect an expecting mom’s choice to decline Doula services, but strongly believe that at least some thought and preparation should go into her labor experience.
But, I don’t necessarily plan on trying for a natural childbirth. Do I really need a Doula? Would a Doula even work with me?
No matter what your birth goals are, or aren’t, the right Doula for you will be someone who respects those goals and is there to support you and your Partner and to help you work towards them. Doulas are not only for women who want to experience natural childbirth. A Doula’s role is to support a birthing mom and her Partner before, during, and after their labor. Period.
Finding the right doula, though, makes all the difference. Interviewing a few of them and really choosing the one that you feel most comfortable with will be important. Check out this super helpful Doula Guide that my friend and colleague, Michelle Cohen of Savor It Studios in DC, created to help mamas navigate this important task.
About the Author:
Emily Masnoon is a Prenatal Yoga Teacher, Reiki Healer, and Doula in the Boston, MA Area. She has been working with pregnant women since 2011 and enjoys connecting with expecting moms in her weekly Prenatal Yoga classes and in her Partner Prenatal Yoga Workshops, and with new moms in her TummyTime Workshops. She loves helping pregnant women take care themselves during pregnancy through Yoga, Reiki, and Aromatherarpy, and preparing for labor through private one-on-one sessions and via her online Birth Plan Design program.
Learn more about Emily on her website and connect with her on Facebook and Instagram!
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Jess Martinez · March 29, 2015 at 10:52 am
I had no idea… Seriously never thought to get a doula for the exact reason of wanting hubby to be my numero uno… Great article!
Emily Masnoon · March 30, 2015 at 11:49 am
Thanks, Jess! I’m glad this was helpful!
Laura F · March 30, 2015 at 10:42 am
I think this is great – it’s a hard balance but to find it would be ideal!
Emily Masnoon · April 3, 2015 at 4:33 pm
Thanks so much, Sarah. I hope you do! 🙂
Dandi D · August 21, 2015 at 9:56 am
I think I should have a doula because my husband would much rather let someone else be my support person.
Laura Ankrum · August 21, 2015 at 5:11 pm
Sounds like a doula would be very helpful to you, all the best with your birth!
Laura Ankrum · October 16, 2015 at 8:26 pm
So glad this was helpful for you!
Rachel · November 2, 2015 at 8:12 pm
Wow, this conversation never even occurred to me! I’m definitely interested in finding a doula, though.
Jessie Hughes · January 24, 2016 at 8:34 pm
I am looking forward to my upcoming birth, especially because we have a doula this time! We are doing Hypnobabies, and she’s a hypnodoula so that makes it even better 🙂 I have already felt so supported throughout my pregnancy because of her, and my husband is very excited to have her on our birth team as well.
Laura Ankrum · January 25, 2016 at 3:07 pm
Wishing you a wonderful birth!
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